Double Decade

My birthday was yesterday. I turned 20. As usual, I spent some time pondering. I also spent some time reading The Help, running with Tina, sleeping, calling reception centers, sitting in the sun at the "lake", and climbing with Jake. It was a nice day.

My pondering was looking back at the past year and everything that's happened and I've done.

July
Last July, I finished up my fourth semester. I got good grades and finished all my generals. I went to the Grand Targhee Music Festival with my dad. A week before my birthday and the first day of finals week, I got dumped by a guy I'd dated for a few months. I cried. A lot. For my birthday, my family went canoeing on String Lake in the Tetons.  

August
I spent a few futile weeks searching for a job before God and Annalee helped me get a job at a music store. I started working and teaching more students. I also spent a lot of time practicing and preparing for symphony auditions. I was pretty unhappy this month because I really hadn't wanted to move home, and I'd just been dumped, and I wasn't nearly busy enough to be happy, and all my friends were away at school or on missions. I was really lonely. So I cried a lot in August. Which is a sad waste of summer, now that I think about it.

September
I auditioned for the symphony and was accepted. That really made me happy. The kids went back to school and so did my mom. Since I was only working part time, I had to step up and be the mom a lot. I realize now that this was a test, and I failed it. I didn't want to be the mom, and so I acted out of duty and obligation instead of love and kindness. I was full of resentment and unhappiness, so September was pretty awful.

October
It was pretty similar to September, except that I started symphony rehearsals. They were the highlights of my week. I also started going to institute classes, which were also really nice. Oh, and I got my wisdom teeth out. Shudder. I started making some friends in my singles ward, so I didn't feel so lonely.

November
Things continued as usual, but November was the month of Thanksgiving. We went down to Moab with my mom's family, and it was probably the most fun I've had in my life. I also finally decided that I didn't want to be unhappy anymore, so I started studying the Book of Mormon twice as much and praying a lot. I tried really hard to build my testimony and turn to God.

December
I finished the Book of Mormon again. Christmas. I started getting ready to go back to school, and realized that it would be really tight financially. My car also needed tires and my textbooks were kind of expensive. But I was blessed by some generous family members, and moved forward in faith. At this point, I realized that I'd failed the test God gave me. I tried hard to be kinder to my family.   

January
I moved up to school and started classes. I really liked all my classes, but they were definitely challenging. I still continued to play with the symphony and teach lessons. My parents told me the second week of school that they were divorcing. It was physically painful. I felt my world collapsing around me. I don't really want to talk about it that much, but as I felt everything around me fall apart, I found that I had built myself on the Rock. My testimony was the only thing that wasn't shaken. Even though I trusted God and felt close to Him, I still struggled to cope. I typically cope with stress by working harder, so I literally spent every minute I could studying and working. 50, 60 hour weeks were normal. Ironically, although I'd cried for like a month over my breakup, I hardly cried at all over real heartbreak.

February
Still really dark times for me. I was still hurting and still working hard. Because apparently I wasn't already working hard enough, I accepted a part time internship on top of everything else. My weeks went up to 75 hours of work and study. But obviously, I couldn't last forever. Working doesn't actually heal anything. I got so caught up in feeling like I had to do everything, and do it myself, and do it perfectly, that I was about to crack. Luckily, I was blessed with really amazing hometeachers. They offered me a priesthood blessing. The Spirit taught me to let God into my life. I wasn't accepting His help, even though I was trusting in Him. That profoundly changed my attitude. I felt the enabling power of the Atonement come into my life as I humbly pleaded for help. Everyday I asked for power to work beyond my own capacity and for comfort and strength. As dark as that month was, it was a life-changing experience. I was able to develop a personal relationship with my Savior.

March
Things got a little better. My grades were good, and I was staying on top of things. I was still working insane hours, but I was handling it better. I also met Jake, which significantly raised my happiness level. A week after I met Jake and we started dating, I was called to be the Relief Society President for spring semester. I was completely overwhelmed. I cried. But God was kind and taught me that the girls I would have stewardship over needed to feel my testimony of the Savior. I had things to learn and things to teach.

April
Start of a new semester. My course load was much easier, which was a relief. Jake and I kept dating and liked each other more and more. I started my new calling and felt like a 5 year old playing house. But I just kept going and trying to do what was right, and God helped me. I was blessed with really amazing roommates too, and that really helped me be happy.

May
Much the same as April. I kept my steady upward course. I received revelation and increased my personal faith and study. I learned to stop praying to be a good Relief Society President and to instead pray for the girls in my Relief Society. (Kind of obvious, but it took me a while to get it.) I started to feel the power of attending the temple every week. The scriptures opened for me as I spent more time in them.

June
I finally started to feel like I knew what I was doing in my calling. Too bad we only had six weeks left. But I taught an inspired Relief Society lesson on the Atonement, which I hope impacted at least one person. Jake and I fell in love. Well, we'd pretty much started since I drew him a picture of a dragon wearing a peg leg in March and he'd bought me stamps in April, but we really started getting serious. It was another life changing experience (still is, actually.). School was really going well, but we both were ready to be done.

July
And here we are. Jake and I got engaged on the 7th. I finished with As again, but barely. Funny how getting engaged has that effect on school work. Mostly I'm filled with gratitude for everything that I've learned and experienced. I'm excited to get married.

It's been a good couple of decades.