But I'm a little stuck right now. I seem to have lost my mojo.
It left somewhere around last Friday at about 7:41 pm. I think it took off for Kansas.
To get to the bones of it, I'm lonely and stressed out. I enjoy friendly acquaintances, but I need close friends to really feel happy and validated. I have a few friends around, but all my really close buddies are away at school or on missions. And I'm really stressed out about making enough money to be able to move out again in the winter. My job is amazing, but it's only part time at minimum wage. I need more students, but I'm struggling with making my rate affordable, but high enough to make it worth my time while I'm in school. And since I work in the afternoons, scheduling is a problem too. And I'm dying to pay off my violin.
Plus, I can't sleep. I've been having nightmares every night. Conspiracies, getting lost, school being moved and changed, weird encounters with past boyfriends, my violin being stolen, losing my job, being late to things, unknowingly getting married to a murderer, you name it. I wake up exhausted.
Now, I know my problems are relatively small compared to most of the world, and I have more blessings than I could count, but they feel like a big deal at the moment. Really, all I need for a year of school is pocket change for some people. It's piddling cheap compared to most universities. Seriously, a lousy $5,000 would pay for a year of college and almost all my violin. But it seems insurmountable.
I've always found a way. I work hard. I make things happen. I mean, I've paid for every penny of my car, my education (including housing, food and gas), and my violin. I have a full tuition scholarship, and I've gotten other scholarships to pay for my books and lessons. But all that takes gumption, and I'm currently lacking in that department.
Oh goodness. I don't know what to do. I started crying over a missing bottle of paint yesterday. Even Sharpie lists and Mozart haven't yanked me out of this rut.
3 comments:
Ah, Kate. I wish I could hand you $5000 and help solve all your problems. Unfortunately I don't have it... and you'd still have tough times. I lay awake at nights too, worrying about silly things. I guess it's life. This comment is not uplifting or helpful. I'm sorry.
So sorry to hear it Kate. Things will get better I'm sure. As I read your post, I thought of this quote:
"If I were in the deepest coalpit of Nova Scotia, and had the Rocky Mountains piled on top of me, I would not be discouraged, and I would come out on top!"
— Joseph Smith Jr.
All I can say is "me too" because I feel completely out of sorts. I don't even really know who I am anymore. I feel like I am going through the motions, but I am somewhere else. It's not working and something has to change, but I don't know how to snap out of it. I feel like I could sleep for days (weeks?) on end and maybe even that wouldn't make a difference.
I love you and I know things will work out...I just don't know how.
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